I'm scared that I want to be a stay at home mom!
A few years ago I would have said that I pictured taking the minimum maternity leave with each baby I'm privileged to have and would return to work as soon as possible. But since Tennyson came into my life I can't picture going back to work after a year. Yes, I am so tired and drained like so many other moms, but I also love what I am doing.
There is this guilt that creeps in sometimes, this voice that says because I am not making money I am not contributing to the family. That same voice tells me I am missing out in my field, that I'll never be able to get a job again now that I'm 'out of the game'. That voice tells me that in order to stay relevant I need to start working as soon as I can. That annoying, shaming voice tells me that I will lose myself if I am 'just' a stay at home mom. It says that modern feminists don't stay home with kids, they do it all! The days when I submit to that voice I feel empty and worthless because I'm believing something about myself that isn't true.
The truth that I need to be reminded of is that I WILL be able to find work when the time comes to return. I WILL be able to catch up with what is happening in social work and in the London community when I am ready to go back. I AM contributing to the family by raising our son to be kind and responsible. And the truth is modern feminism doesn't look down on stay at home moms, if anything it says that women have the opportunity to choose what makes sense for them and their family.
I'm scared by my desire to be a stay at home mom while my kids are young because it's new for me, and I also am recognizing what a privilege it is to be able to choose to do this full time.
Here's to shutting up that shaming, annoying ridiculous voice in my head :)